Awaken by God

This my first blog so don't laugh....
At 1:50 A.M. I rolled over and couldn't get the song Love Hurts (I don't know who sings all I know is it is from the late 70's). I kept trying to think of Praise songs to sing in my mind so I could go back to sleep. Then I tried to change the lyrics so they would be "Christian". Nothing helped I just kept hearing this tune over and over. So, when all else fails what does a Christian woman do? She starts praying thinking that will help me go back to sleep. But, not last night. The more I prayed the more God kept taking me back to my childhood. A place I don't care to re-visit unless God is leading me to a new door that needs to be opened so more healing can take place in my life. This morning he wanted to show me my obscured view on love. That at times I have a hard time loving people because I am afraid to love and then be hurt.
As a child love did hurt. The two people that were suppose to show me how to love didn't know how to love one another. All I knew is that love was painful and violent. The fighting, screaming and shattering of things and the bruises that my mom had to bare were just to much for me at times. Then comes someone who says he loves me...Really? I am only seven years old. Little did I know that-that warped since of "love" I would carry for years. Right into my teenage years and allowing guys to say they love me to get me do what they wanted. I so wanted to be loved.
I can remember going to church with my one cousin and she would always tell me how much God loved me. But, I always wondered if he really loved me since I had to endure so much pain. Well, when I was 14 years old he showed my how much he loved me. God had a wonderful friend come into my life and she introduced me to the God of the Universe. She showed me how he gave his son for me because he loved me. I would think I am so unlovable and I am way to damaged. Thank God she was persistent as was her entire family. I think my family became their mission field. I remembered from my cousin teaching years earlier and there truly was a desire to be loved by God. When I asked Jesus in to my life I felt such a relief. But, the dark ugly secret that I had to keep would just stay with me for years. And that is what brings me to my blog today. When we ask God to forgive us-He does! He is so faithful to his children too.
In the bible study that the ladies are going through at church he began speaking to me today.
Psalms 129:1-2 says "They have greatly oppressed me from my yout--let Israel say--they have greatly oppressed me from my youth, but, they have not gained the victory over me." You see the enemy has used my family my whole life to try and oppress me but, because of God's great mercy they have not gotten the victory over me.
The enemy has kept me quiet for years with fear of embarassing myself or my family. But, God has given me a family that loves me and shows me what God's love truly is. He has blessed me with a wonderful husband (and I do mean wonderful) who has loved me through many of trials. He has had to endure me through counseling and my lack of self forgiveness and love for myself. Remember, I am damaged goods and he was pure. God knew who needed to be in my life. A man that would show me what true love is and when that man loves God with all his heart how he can in turn love his wife as Christ loves the church. Then God blessed me with three boys that would lay down their lives for me. They show me love that sometimes is just unimaginable from your children. I know in a moment they would do anything to protect me and where did they learn that but, from a father that has shown them what it means to be a godly man. A man who shows them God's love even when they blow it and extends to them mercy and grace just like God has done to us. Finally, he has given me a church family that is just amazing. As I type this blog my heart is overflowing with joy. I am so blessed. I have one brother who I adore but, when God gave me my church family I am overflowing with brothers and sisters. Brothers and sisters who I know love me and why, because God loved them first.
So, as I thought about why that song was in my head this morning I realized it was God showing me that the only one who was hurt by love was his son. "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but, have everlasting life." God show me that Christ took my pain for me when he was on that cross. Why did he endure all that pain? He loved me and he loves you!!!
Love is not meant to hurt us. So, devil you loose again. Love doesn't hurt when it is God's love.